My comments may be in any colour, quotations are always in pale blue.
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I have been to some far out
places, |
 Map |
To peace with slavery. Anonymous |
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terminology, interpretation and fear are causing many confusions and difficulties.
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Some Important IssuesBefore I continue, I need to make two things absolutely clear:
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AbuseThis is the definition which I will adhere to: verb /"bju:z/ (-sing) 1 use improperly; misuse. 2
maltreat. 3 insult verbally. noun /"bju:s/ 1 misuse. 2 maltreatment. 3
insulting language. 4 corrupt practice. abuser /"bju:z/
noun. noun 1 misappropriation, misuse, perversion. 2 assault, ill-treatment, maltreatment. 3 execration, invective, obscenity, slander, vilification, vituperation. (there are so many caveats to this already in everyday life that occur
and are accepted, but it is my working usage at this time). |
DisclaimerThis is a non-profit making (loss-making, to be honest) website. All the resources and quotes are clearly referenced, so as to give full credit to the originators. However, the scope, premise and original content is solely my property and responsibility. I am not responsible for the content of external Internet sites and I do not necessarily endorse their content. I do my best to repair broken links. I have maintained the authors' American English or Queen’s English in
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What is the Issue? |
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Following The Eventful Day, I was found to have a seriously substantial
number of indecent pornographic images, including the majority forms of
pornography (i.e. bestiality, heterosexual sex, homosexual sex,
cross-dressing, torture, masturbation, all ages of children and fantasy
situations). There were photographic images, artwork, stories and videos.
All these materials were downloaded from the Internet and, no, I was not
caught in a 'sting' or part of some pre-organised 'ring'. There were also
files, of me, in compromising, though alone and legal, activities. I also
partially fabricated a series of images (so-called ‘pseudo-photographs’).
It was the child pornography for which I am being prosecuted, and that is
why it is the main focus of this site. | |||||||||
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So, Why Bother With The Website? | |||||||||
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As the unacceptable abuses and deaths of children continue, here and elsewhere some, though not all, with sexual connotations, many of us have come to explore mentally, in our confusion, that we may be part of that unholy, insane, despised group of child-loving killers - is it only a matter of time? This section holds a selection of my thoughts, which I reserve the right to change at any time. |
I am involved in a situation which has made me have
to come to terms with these issues, and many more included in this site,
much more obviously and in the open than ever before.
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Throughout my adult life speaking frankly with men (which is some
capacity I seem to have and, yes, I have great discussions with females
too), both professionally and in a social sense, I know many of us have
grappled with the possibility that we may be paedophiles
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This website allows those of you with an interest, or concern, to keep up with the proceedings whenever you like. Those of you who know me well, know I find it very difficult to lie and impossible when I am in some kind of trouble. If I am to follow this long-worn path of truth, we may as well share all that we can. This may be painful, may be worrying, but at least we will be able to consider in a certain context with some, I hope, useful information; it also gets it off my chest. Many of you also know that I have never feared discussion of the taboo and, in fact, have always been interested in the more 'edgy' aspects of life. From this work, perhaps, I will learn, grow more, and live a useful life. Many men, perhaps some women, will understand a little clearer the reality of their situation and perhaps find some comfort much more quickly than I was able to. Many men and women will understand a little clearer the reality of the situation for others and sympathise perhaps even supporting them. It is also an illustration of the legal and judicial system as they exist for this issue, at this time. If you email me, please bear in mind that I cannot give any advice of an illegal nature. However, if you are troubled or need legal /medical advice, with some confidentiality, then I am more than happy to contact the appropriate people on your behalf. | ||||||||
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Baby Face |
Maybe it's the tiny chin, or the large, wide-open
eyes. Or those soft, chubby cheeks. Whatever the attraction, a crowd of
normally stoic strangers has suddenly gathered 'round to speak in
sing-song and make faces worthy of clowns-for-hire. | ||||||||
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If you are looking for love, would you recognize it
if you found it? |
In its simplest terms,
love is a four-letter word. Much like other words of similar letter make
up, when expressed it can evoke laughter, pleasure, pain, anger, and
virtually any wave of reaction. Love also can be confused with feelings of
indigestion and gas. Houses have been built, burned, and banished because
of love. | ||||||||
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"I have lost my well-paid job, my house, many of my
possessions, pension provision, any hope of a fulfilling career and, most
painfully for me, I have lost my credibility. I feel much more positive now, but much of this remains true. |
I was held on unconditional bail for over three
months, due to the backlog load on PC forensic analysis and priorities.
This is before the formal punishment, or even a charge - I am presently
innocent of course. It has also enabled me to go through this process,
which is a benefit. It appears that there may be a further adjournment on 14/2/03. Apparently, the probation report stated that my case be remanded until they assessed my suitability for participation in a 'Community Rehabilitation Order (Probation) with Conditions'. However, presumably, since the prosecution did not turn up, the assessment has not been carried out. The probation officer informs us, this is because the judge did not ask for it to be carried out. The assessment process may not happen unless the judge specifically orders it and that would mean a further delay in sentencing - I really do not know what to say, at this time, other than we have sorted our end of the deal - sort yours. There was no adjournment. Sentence; 15 months custodial (with 7.5 months to serve) and 21 months extended license. On the evening of 14/2/03, I was a resident at the core local institute, HMP & YOI Doncaster, to await relocation. | ||||||||
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I am pleased to say up to now that the police, court/prison custody officers and probation workers (except in one or two, short-lived, cases) have been very professional and proper in their dealings with me.
This icon ...
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"The biggest mistake I will ever make in my life,
but I don't regret it - what does that
mean?" | ||||||||
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Forget the taboo aspects - think and talk about the issues - to accept something as taboo may allow the very thing you may want to stop and enable it to flourish unchecked and uncontrolled or, possibly even worse, undiscussed. | |||||||||
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My Detailed Statement | |||||||||
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Statement prepared as a follow-up to the interview carried out by Officer xxxxxxx PC xxxx xx, 14/8/02 As I indicated, at our second meeting, incriminating electronic data have been found in the swapfile and/or free areas and/or encrypted areas on my interrogated machine. As described earlier, I have been using computers online since the early nineties and, as can be seen from my machine, I am conversant with computer security, in most of its forms. To my knowledge, no inappropriate pictures of children were present on the working areas of my machine, I refused to discuss the content of the encrypted areas, in any detail, suffice it to say, that I am not aware of any law that stops me encrypting information and keeping such information secret. As can be seen, I kept much of my hard drive encrypted. I now understand that the information I am now providing is breaking a number of obscenity/decency laws. The time for full openness, of course, is now unavoidable. The analysis has found a seriously substantial number of indecent and obscene pornographic images, including the majority forms of pornography, which I am sure will be detailed elsewhere as evidence (as I recall, there is bestiality, heterosexual sex, cross-dressing, masturbation, torture, all ages of children and fantasy situations - there are photographic images, artwork and videos - there are many duplicates). I can give little further detail, as I have barely catalogued, and hardly looked at many of them, as individual files, for reasons described later. I do know that there are partially fabricated images (so-called 'pseudo-photographs') within, because I created them in the directory 'Beuaty'. I only lightly encrypted the archived areas. As I said to the officer, I could have fully encrypted, doubly encrypted, electronically hidden and then physically hidden the CDRWs, which, in themselves, would have been impenetrable, followed by cleansing my PC, particularly on the day I was supposedly off to take indecent images of children in a large shopping centre with a camera on open view. I suppose my arrogance, based on the following, led to the, often observed, level of stupidity. As provided earlier, the access password for any level of access is: xxxxxxx There are encrypted containers and the Stenosafe. I have not hidden any files within files, as the byte count will show. In much of the following, I will leave aside all the other areas of pornography found on my computer, including those of me and other Netmeeting adults in, as I alluded to, compromising, though private and alone, situations. I am certain this is not really the issue at this time. I am not ashamed to discuss these areas, if required. None of the photographic images involving children were taken by me. I suppose this investigation may now involve questioning people around me. You will find out that not only do I rarely see family members, neighbours or friends, but when I do, all will testify that there has never been any example of me physically accessing children, inappropriately. This will also be the case at school and previous schools. Hence, personal photography, the initial arrest subject, has not happened. Any candid photographs, in the containers, are obtained from the Internet, where they are freely available in their thousands - hence my initial disbelief (and irony in my mind) as I was arrested; such was my state of mind on the day. Every file has been downloaded free from the Internet, either by WinMX, NetMeet or newserver, The fantasy stories, cartoons and drawings were accessed from USA pay or free websites. I partially created a number of PSP fabrications. I have not been involved in the purchase, sale or distribution of materials, outside the computer. In the 'real' world, this has been a sole activity. I intend to go back some time, not because I think anyone will be particularly interested, but to put things in context and for the record in court. I am an only child and during the period 1987-1990 my parents both died. In 1993. I suffered a relatively small breakdown as my medical records show. In 1996, my fiancee, of 8 years, left me and this was followed by a substantial breakdown. Although I did not attempt suicide, at the time, I was interviewed by a psychiatrist, in this regard. At that time, I committed myself to my work, almost totally, this led to promotion to Head of Department in 2000. Since that time, I have growingly disliked the only thing that was motivating me - my job. It is not the people, children or adults, it is how the job has unreasonably changed this year, as a consequence of an unfavourable inspection, I felt that I was making little difference, failing to cope, being exposed to unfair criticism and broken offers, and things were sliding again for me, emotionally. I cannot say that losing my job, during the period described herein, really mattered to me. I have used masturbation, with pornography, habitually for relaxation and in dealing with stressful situations since my teens, as I do not smoke, drink or take other drugs. I have also been a avid reader and viewer of horror, fantasy and science fiction since childhood. Since my arrest, I have attended a preliminary interview with a consultant expert in paraphilia, a consultant psychiatrist, so to assess my condition before and after the arrest and I am under medication (Prozac). Following the end of my engagement, in a number of heterosexual relationships, it was the case that I was impotent in an erectile sense. Up to last year, I managed to cope with this, but as it had been eating me away, for many years. I decided to do something, as I felt, this time, depression would lead to suicide, and in all honesty, I had little to lose. Some four weeks or so before the Summer break, I decided to explore every area of sexuality I could, online. In this way I may find some direction for my arousal, regardless where that would be - at least I would know. So the journey started. I ordered Viagra from the Internet and set to exploring. Initially, the topics, although pornographic, were not atypical to those available in sex shops. The effect was incredible. Viagra-induced erections were persistent and repeatable - I was euphoric. I informed a very close female friend, online, that she should imagine that someone could take away 15 years of pain and no future by the application of one tablet. Following three 100 mg tablets over a three day period, life was suddenly very, very different. I could hear, smell and see again. I could smile at and joke with female shop assistants (regardless of age). etc. etc. Viagra is a vasodilator, not an aphrodisiac, sexual stimulation is still required. Around this time, the same personal friend came to visit, although unstated, an intention was clear - failure ensued, even with multi-paraphilic fantasising towards the end - and I was devastated - as my friend, at that time, may testify. I returned to my exploration, and as the days passed, each area of pornography was either ineffective or waned, some giving way to reasonable pleasure, but not the earlier euphoria. Some, which were initially intense and captivating, became uninteresting and useless. Although the focus here is electronic pornography, I have to say that the majority of the time was spent on Netmeet and in adult chatrooms, in particular, sharing intense and explicit fantasy, on the topic, in vogue, at the time. Overall, I am not in a position to discuss whether this is healthy or not. For the record, I only ever shared virtual sexual fantasies with real or simulated men, and never real or simulated women or children. The topics in vogue were all described, herein, at one time or another. I left no stone unturned in my search - none. Although I had always had some bisexual feelings, it was startlingly apparent that exhibition cross dressing was an early trigger - evidence exists of this (and Viagra for that matter) in the encrypted areas. At this time, I accessed all areas of pornography, yes, including child pornography, so as to be sure. As stated above, after a time, this was much less successful, as many others areas, including extreme violence, bestiality, and, of course, gay and vanilla sexual practices. There were periods, during the middle of the period I am describing, where I would be involved for periods of, say, 8 or more hours, without food. Only toilet visits and sleep would draw me away. Friends and family will testify to the impossibility of contacting me for weeks; I did not care. I have never taken an illicit drug. I can only liken the effect I was feeling to that of amphetamines coupled with extensive and prolonged sexual pleasure. The 'real' world was somewhere else completely, I was stuck in, what I now recall, as a 'pleasure loop', one I had never experienced before, or will again. It is now where I want to say that I am, and have been for many years, for much of the time, essentially, empty and emotionless when it come to most things in life now, either good or bad, though I am often depressed. Even with the new found potential, I was, and am, still truly not shocked or made joyful by anything. I confess that I have not seen everything 'in the flesh', as it were, so it may be bravado, but I have read widely and seen much of what is distasteful on the Internet and elsewhere. I do not know where this originates, it is deep, I am sure, but it is true. Conversely, I try very hard never to hurt anyone verbally and never physically. Up to the period, described herein, I had deleted and cleansed 'traditional' pornographic files from my machines - the computers, storage and house were pornography free. Even the most innocuous files were not allowed to remain as, up until then, I cared about the future and could not jeopardise my job. However, as has been known, for many years, these files have been freely available from newsgroups and some websites. Ironically, the latter is not a very useful source now and one of clear entrapment, but there was always the option to acquire them, if so required. Much of the excitement, during this time, was finding just how much a 'lurker' could access, with the minimum difficulty and risk, and freely available software, the most 'debased and degrading' information, in any sphere of sexual perversion - I now know that not all spheres are represented to the same degree - if at all. The results of the experiment are in the encrypted areas. Rapid trawling and transfer to containers continued, hence the duplication, numbers, haphazard storage and incomplete fabrications. I started to create the most offensive series of photo-realistic fabrications I could imagine, actually prompted by a French series of horror/sex drawings (found in one of the containers) and following the viewing of Manga and Hentai artwork. As I have stated elsewhere, I am not a religious man, but if I were, I would describe it as though Evil was sat with me for a few weeks. And then Jessica Chapman and Holly Wells disappeared. You will see news extracts of the girls in the encrypted areas; you will see nothing pornographic related to them. I looked at these pictures (and of my God Daughter [incidentally in xxxxxx] and friend's daughter - both of which I have not seen for at least one year - these are on the floppy disk I presume you have). I really could not continue. It is still not possible to say whether the typed, online virtual sex, as described herein, is healthy or not, long term. I had 'surfaced' enough, during the first week of the girls appearance, to know the bulk of my activities were done. Yes, the Netmeet and adult chatroom cybersex would probably continue, but no more severe images and imminent cleansing - things were going back to more than two months ago, but many lessons learned. The timestamping on the files will indicate how the frequency of downloading decreased by then, even though increased anonymous opportunities for source material had been made. This brings us, essentially, to the day of arrest and a foolhardy and blatant use of a new camera around a shopping centre on one of my early days of an, essentially, computer-free holiday. I had tidied an unclean house, I had returned to my other hobbies, I was visiting and meeting family and friends once again. I was returning to my shopping and my interest in photography - ironically. Although I am able to rationalise any of the other risks described herein, I am unable rationalise why I should be so obviously blatant and careless with the camera - this is a true confusion to me. The timescale for all the activities, described herein, was approximately 7 weeks, as the datestamp on the archives should show. It is for these obvious reasons, that I would not divulge the access codes to my encrypted areas on the day of arrest, at least I would be able to tie up some loose ends, bring closure to certain events and deal with some business affairs, all of which would have been impossible if I had been incarcerated - and by my limited knowledge of due process, this may have been a possibility. By the very slim chance that I survived the arrest and was not charged, then the focus on me would mean that my activities were now finished, regardless of what my conscience was saying., as I assume phone tapping etc. etc. would now be possible, which would have been a relief; deletion and cleansing would follow. That was the decision I made; when there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to lose. I am afraid I have been obsessed, over a short timescale, and this has been my, though of no great surprise at the time, downfall. I understand that all that I have provided here has little real bearing on the outcome of this situation, for whether what I say is the truth or not, in your eyes, offences have been committed and that cannot be denied. I understand that I may be placed on the sexual offenders register and I have already resigned from my job. With my solicitor's advice, I shall now accept the consequences, as I was fully aware what they may be at the outset. I understand it will lead to the sale of my property to partially cover large debts. I understand that there will be the very strong possibility of custodial sentencing, even with the mitigating circumstances, particularly in these days (and the nature of some of the files), and then I will certainly need to move elsewhere in the country and start a completely different lifestyle. I have no idea, whatsoever, how this happens, what level of advice I can take or, in detail, what the future holds - I see no future for me at this time, except one that is extremely unpleasant, perhaps even short-lived. I do know that the punishment is inevitable and, actually, probably correct, under the apparent circumstances, as I have been a law-abiding citizen all my life, up to this point. Understand, my life has not been ruined, because, to be honest, for many of my waking days, that happened years ago. I should like my dog, xxxxx, to be collected by my family who are awaiting a call on this number, should I not be released on bail: | |||||||||
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Many months, have now passed, and I have completed my custodial period; the time has now come to consider the future. I was gratified, to receive a comment on the Usenet group 'UK.legal'. Not only did it urge me to reply, but to formalise a number of issues, which I had taken for granted, that people would realise - this is, of course, unlikely. So, here are my present thoughts: I am supporting myself; rebuilding my health, social structure, attempting to forge a new career etc. In this respect, this project is proving successful. I support others involved with these conditions. I speak to many past, present and, I should think, future participants, who are involved in paraphilic fantasies, some legal and some not. In our discussions, I often make the decision to reveal this website. This has shifted a number of online relationships from cybersexual to academic or semi-social. Sometimes, my experiences, apparently, dissuade explorers from entering more dangerous territory - only time will tell for them. I challenge all parties who aggravate this issue, in so many ways - unfortunately, few feel the need to respond, but at least they are made aware. We all need a direction, a focus towards where we may be going. I have promised myself I will never (even if I could, now) have 'control' over my life - I have to say, historically, I did - and look where that got me. So, I now try to adopt a forward-looking, but not obsessive, view of what the future holds. For now, this makes me feel much more comfortable. However, I do see a time, when I am a qualified counsellor in this field, qualified as I am, with the added skills of a psychology degree and advanced counselling skills. This will be a time when 'paraphiles' will feel able to discuss such issues, in a non-judgemental, less repressive and less hysterical atmosphere, than the one we have today. I discussed this with one of my support workers and, she rightly said, that this is just like drug addicts now openly discussing their mugging of old ladies and burglary offences, during their treatments. I believe this will come, and who better than me to empathise, sympathise and support frightened men who need to come to terms with their 'paraphilic urges' (for want of a better phrase)? - once again, time will tell. Accessing the pornography did not make me a better person, at the time, it was not supposed to - quite the opposite in fact, as the website states - thus was the power of the fantasy and my mental health at the time. I have been accused of '"mental masturbation for your own (warped) purposes". Well, I don't need my masturbation to be mental, but, if the poster means intellectual stimulation, then they are correct. I hope this website presents itself as being far from 'warped', but as a balanced representation of the issue - I try very hard to make it so, and I will be happy to take advice on how I can make it more balanced. "Your web site leaves me feeling that you are Mad, Bad *and* Sad " Well, I am not mad, and that has been confirmed, clinically. I am bad, in the sense I am a convicted criminal, and I cannot change that ... ... and, yes, sometimes, I get very sad, but who doesn't? I guess it is time, now, for me to illuminate the irony of the website's name. The point is, of course, my 'mentality' is as normal as any other person's. For the only thing that makes us normal is that we are all different. I will not go into what 'normal' and 'natural' mean, at this time, this comes later. The facts are, I am not 'mad', my past, present and, I guarantee, future circumstances prove I am more 'good' than many and, finally, that 'sadness' is not depression. Yes, I have a depressive personality, no doubt there, and this website is here to show how debilitating it can be, if not controlled. "However you served a prison sentence for your misdeeds, so that leaves me wondering how you now intend to progress your life? Where do you go from here?" This statement covers this, as far as I can, at this time. "Will you just continue as before but be determined not to get caught again?" Oh yes officer, I continue to download hard core illegal pornography every night! (this is not true, for you literalists). I have many sexual interests, in cyberspace, many of which, legally and happily, provide the relief I require. "Are you a "reformed character" who won't offend again?" Who can ever say? I can say that prison had no effect. Can you say what you would do, in my position?, or if your frontal lobes became damaged by a tumor and you became paedophilic? What I can say, is this; I now know who the demon is, and I will do everything in my power to ensure I keep my demon at bay, and that I will try to help others fight theirs. WebManager, 4/5/04. | ||
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next to an item, means that it was written or obtained in
prison.