Let me take you on a journey through the corridors of my mind.
The things that we shall find shall scare you,
And some will frighten you to death.
So let me take you on a journey through my mind.
Alan Jones

A Little Knowledge is a Dangerous Thing

What has made men at all times willing to undergo fearful hardships and risk of death to explore the unknown? ... there is a strong urge for adventure and curiosity about the unknown which belongs to all heathy-minded people: the ambition, as James Cook once put it, "Not only to go farther than anyone has been, but as far as it was possible for a man to go".

Captain Scott wrote in his diary a day or so before he and his companions died of cold and starvation in the Antarctic "How much better has all this been than lounging in too much comfort at home". This was the motive that sent men to reach the North Pole and the South Pole, the top of Mount Everest, the source of the River Nile, and finally out into space.

Patrick Moore, Exploring The World, The Oxford Children's Reference Library (2), OUP, 1966.

I am not a medical doctor, lawyer or therapist (although I have trained as a counsellor), that is certain, but I have approached this section, in this way, so as to gather my thoughts and to come to terms with the events.

I will not modify the history and will add updates when possible. I reserve the right to add material and to correct grammar, spelling etc.

The therapeutic aspects of the research (and in creating this website) have allowed me to emerge from the torment of the first six weeks and begin to address everyday affairs, along with the love and support of family and friends, and a substantial amount of junkfood.

I had no idea if this would have an outcome on the legal aspect, probably not (it didn't), but at least we were all ‘singing from the same song sheet’.

The period from September 2000 to the middle of July 2002

2000: New promotion job in middle management post, new place, failing department - big challenge, but potential very good. My statement to friend was "this will make me or break me". Long way behind last two institutions, in many ways, but again, potential. Time running out for further necessary promotion, need to be successful quickly, possible here. Due to imminent changes, the likelihood of what I had been offered diminishes as the months pass. New Senior Manager appointed. No matter, I am a professional, almost all my colleagues are supportive, friendly and eager. The first year is always hard. The institution is criticised and the screws are turned. Experience the worse Summer vacation of all career. 2002: Repercussions of criticism start. Massive, rapid pressure increase. Only really starting quality improvement departmental systems. Manage to create best with resources and time available, some very good improvements. Further scrutiny, heavy-handed tactics from pseudo-external agencies and others. Department criticised heavily, with personal criticism. Line manger essentially supportive, but has bigger fish to fry for now and has little room for manoeuvre. Stress of introduction of new procedures, both personal and departmental, telling. Give guarded messages to management about difficulties (don’t want to jeopardise promotion). Stresses increase. Techniques successfully used, very recently, elsewhere, are now deemed inapplicable or even incorrect. Never criticised as much, or shown such scant professional regard - ever. Some unavoidable knee-jerk activity from management. Have managed to secure a number of departmental requirements, but they were fundamental, many should have already been in place, but the battle has drained me. Weeks to go, flagging heavily. Next year will be even more scrutiny and demand, not managing in time available at this time and much more to do. Depending now much more heavily on survival strategies of self-gratification, spending, eating and masturbation. Most nights and weekends occupied in release and escape. Only essential after work work being completed and with stretched deadlines. I cannot face another Summer vacation like the last one. Only have to hold out for a few results in the next few weeks - only need to hold out. Not happy with house, neighbours, hobbies (though now they should have been approaching 'perfection', overall). Not listening to music, reading or watching TV. Money issues in much better control, but starting to escalate slowly again. One morning at work, something clicks - I feel it go - time to buy new PC.

Phase 1 Diagnosis

Stress-induced depressed state (Stress at work).

Denial of need for help, due to extreme overachiever tendencies. Willing to avoid failure at 'any cost', but have to maintain a principled approach at work. Instant gratification used to 'tide me over' until results emerge. This small success will get me 'back on track'. Just ride the storm.

Use of extreme and still-developing cybersexual addiction/dependency as instant gratification, so as to find release from the, now severe, stress and psychological escape from the situation.

Tolerance requires more effective source materials/strategies.

The period from the middle of July 2002 to the end of July 2002

New PC and webcam open up a new realm of possibilities, First paraphilia explored, but this does not lead to any real result. Assess price of Viagra, order small quantity, continue with exploration. Viagra arrives, Try 100 mg on first occasion, investigate a number of paraphilias. The next 2 days (a weekend) are a blur. Euphoric state of mind. On numerous occasions, actually said, to myself, with complete honesty, "even if I get caught, they can never take this away from me". Only days to survive work now. Activities through one night means I am unable to go to work in the morning - first time I have ever missed work for no good reason. Order Viagra at a cost in the region of £450.

Phase 2 Diagnosis

I have no medical explanation for the intensity of the event. I know the effect of the Viagra was instrumental in inducing both the erections and the subsequent intensity of the activities. It was an intensely salient period. There was no need for conflict or withdrawal, because no one could interfere. I have not seen this effect of Viagra (alone) documented. I do know what I felt like - it was paradise. I remember very little about that time, either the nights at home or the days at work.

The period from the end of July 2002 until the middle of August 2002

Spent first three days of Summer vacation completing some deadline work, deadline within days - must complete. On completion, I ask myself is this what this job has come to? Down to this hoop-jumping exercise? Deliver materials and now 24 hours a day is open to my pleasure. Failed attempt at heterosexual lovemaking , even with multi-paraphilic fantasy towards the end. Feeling of devastation. Back to activities, euphoria returns. Salient, no worries of conflict or withdrawal, daily Viagra 100mg dosage. Essentially no trips out, day and night a mixture of gratification and a little music. start too look at online news. See H&J issue for first time, forget about it, people talking online, visit news again, look more closely this time. Something starts to shift. No paraphilia providing euphoria. Some very pleasing gratification, but now reducing in intensity. People start to phone and visit, time to be coming back I think.

Phase 3 Diagnosis

Initial salient Viagra effect diminishes. Erections still very pleasing and orgasms high quality, but much less intense. I achieved some baseline/normal mental state, not euphoric, but not in the previous depressed state. Clearly, reasonably happy, judgement clearly impaired.

The Eventful Day

Spent the morning on music. Setting up new studio, very little computer activity. Not even enough to clean machine surface. Full knowledge of nature of material in containers, no need to clean surface. Will go for quick drive, to get some air and sun, feeling reasonably good. Drive out to country and then feel shopping urge. Arrive. Mobile in one pocket, camera in other. No thoughts of taking pictures. Some minor window shopping. Decided it might be fun to try some covert, non-flash pictures. Do so over a short period, perhaps 10-15 minutes. No attempt to hide camera, other than being down at hip level. Checking and deleting in clear view, in corridors, of centre. Two pictures in memory, blurred and low quality. Not working - camera away, off to spend some money. Visit, perhaps, 2-3 shops and decide to walk back down centre. I am approached by a number of people. Accusation frightens me, I delete camera contents as I take it out.

Phase 4 Diagnosis

I have no idea what possessed me to be so careless. Whether taking the alleged pictures, or not, how could I ever have walked around so blatantly, taking pictures anywhere, let alone allowing myself to approach the shop in question? I do not make those kind of mistakes. Even with a clean PC, it would have been dangerous. I can only say, as I look back now, in my mind, I honestly believed I was doing nothing wrong, hence, would not be caught, hence, it was feasible. It is so obvious now, that I was so obvious; as I have said, a true confusion.

Since the Eventful Day

Withdrawal symptoms apparent - once Viagra supply exhausted, erections cease, Prozac begins to kick in, masturbation back to low quality, non-erectile conditions - many days, it does not occur. Effect of paraphilic images back to intensity observed prior to experimentation i.e. essentially useless. No webcam usage. Cybersexual discussions rarely successful.

Initial six weeks, full of torment, tears, anger and hypersomnia. Now (3 months) - Dysthymic and some insomnia.

Phase 5 Diagnosis

Adjustment difficulties with depressive symptoms.

Dysthymia due to the certain belief that the future can only be bad. Having had mild reactive depressions before, even at the time, there was always a way forward, no matter how difficult it may have seemed. At this time, I can see no viable future in which I can survive, let alone cope or live.

Presently, no relapse.

Some return of senses, taste, smell etc. Some erectile improvement. Keeping occupied with creating website and preparing to leave (3.5 months).

Once all the major logistical issues were dealt with and I was in the hostel, I became calmer and positive, in some ways. It is like being a teenager again (4 months).

I feel as though I am somewhere in the middle of an adventure, an interesting academic exercise and a farce. Let us see what the Crown Court brings.

The Judge agreed with my barrister, that a full psychosexual report was required before the next hearing; I was to see The Good Doctor again (5.5 months).

Report arrived, see below.

The two reports were never heard of again, and neither were two character witness statements, which were collected. The offence was clear, the sentencing was clear and I pleaded guilty - there were to be no mitigating circumstances.

There was no second adjournment and I was sentenced to 15 months custodial (with 7.5 months to serve) and 21 months extended license. On the evening of 14/2/03 (almost 6 months from the day of arrest), I was a resident at the core local institute, HMP & YOI Doncaster, to await relocation.

Journal

The Marquis de Sade and Me

"Either kill me, or take me as I am, because I'll be damned if I ever change - I have told you, the beast is too old - there is no room for hope - the most honest, the most candid, the most sensitive of men, the most compassionate, the most beneficent worshipper of my children, for whose happiness I would go through fire ... adoring my parents ... adoring those who are left of my friends ... So there you have my virtues - now as to my vices - arrogant irascibility - extremely hot-tempered in everything, with a dissoluteness of imagination with regard to morals such as has never been seen before, atheist to the point of fanaticism, there you have me in brief. To repeat, either kill me, or take me as I am, because I will never change." The Marquis de Sade, from a letter to his wife, written in prison, November 1783

During one of my discussions with my specialist, it was suggested (and I paraphrase for the sake of confidentiality) that there were some parallels with my account and that of the thoughts (not the actions!) of the Marquis de Sade. What is surprising about this, initially, is the sado-masochistic element of my episode was new to me. For this reason, I had read almost nothing of the escapades of the French aristocrat, other than his name leading to the word 'Sadism'. For this reason, when my doctor asked, "was I aware of his story?" I had to say "no", for that was the truth of the matter; this, of course, meant further research and I am now reading Francine du Plessix Gray's account.

I do not wish to create, yet another, biography, which are admirably covered in the references below (and those contained within), but I should like to include a few interesting observations. This is a developing section.

The Marquis de Sade: Sex, Sacrilege and Sublimity - Irregular Childhood

Donatien Alphonse Francois de Sade was born on June 2, 1740, to Jean Baptiste, Comte (Count) de Sade, and to Marie-Elonore de Maille de Carman, Comtesse de Sade, his mother and a distant cousin of the Prince de Conde, a junior branch of the royal Bourbon family. His mother served as a lady in waiting to the Princess de Conde, and as a governess to her child, the young prince de Conde, Donatien’s senior by four years. The young Marquis’ first splash into the history books came as a result of a skirmish between him and his cousin, the Prince de Conde, who had tried to retrieve one of his favorite playthings from the grasp of the four-year-old Donatien. Rather than submitting in acknowledgement of the Prince’s rank, the Marquis refused to relinquish the toy, and instead proceeded to pummel his cousin with blows of increasing violence and ferocity. The two had to be separated by adult courtiers, and it was soon after this incident that the Marquis found himself remanded to the care of his extended family. It would not be the first time that the royal authorities would resort to such treatment as a means to controlling the combustible Marquis.

As a result of his confrontation with the prince, Donatien was sent to live with his paternal grandmother in Avignon. It was here that the Marquis would spend his early, formative years, surrounded by a gaggle of female relatives who indulged his every whim and smothered him with sensual affection.

Her five daughters visited Grandmother Sade often. Her youngest child, Donatien’s aunt Henriette-Victoire, a notoriously promiscuous beauty, was particularly fond of her turbulent little nephew and loved to indulge him. The dowager marquise’s other four daughters were nuns. Convents being relatively worldly in pre-Revolutionary days, these ladies, during their frequent forays into the secular world, doted on Donatien as lavishly as the rest of his female kin. The doting grandmother and the coddling aunts lavished all manner of affection on the child. Plying him with toys, candy, and caresses, they indulged his most capricious whims, with the result that the apprentice tyrant ... became more unruly than ever.

The Comte de Sade, Donatien’s father, was abroad serving as an ambassador to the court of the Elector of Bavaria during this time, but received reports of his son’s upbringing. He became increasingly enraged to hear of how his only son was being corrupted at the hands of his indulgent mother and sisters. Only two years after Donatien had been ordered to move in with his grandmother, his father uprooted him once again. The Comte wished to infuse his son’s upbringing with the masculine presence and influence that he himself was not able to provide. Thus, Donatien was sent to live with the Comte’s brother, Abbe Jacques-Francois de Sade, a noted scholar and author of his time. The abbe divided his time between his official residence in Auvergne, and the family castle of Saumane, thirty-five kilometers outside of Avignon.

Abbe de Sade was a contemporary and friend of the noted French philosopher Voltaire. Like his sisters, the abbe possessed a sensual, worldly side, which Voltaire encouraged and celebrated with poems such as the following: “However much of a priest you are, O Sir, you’ll continue to love. That is your true ministry, be you a bishop or the Holy Father. You will love, you will seduce, and you’ll equally succeed, in the Church and in Cythera (another name for Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love, fertility, and beauty).”

And so, the Marquis found himself placed in yet another setting where adults treated sex and sexuality as recreational means to a pleasurable end, and where sensual indulgence was the expectation rather than the exception to the rule. When not looking after his official church duties, which only required his presence in Auvergne a few months out of the year, the abbe occupied his leisure time with the pursuit of a variety of French beauties, women hailing from all settings within the social strata. He was widely known as the “sybarite (one inordinately attached to pleasure and luxury) of Saumane.” During the years that Sade lived with his uncle, the abbe housed a number of female companions, including a mother and daughter duo, a maid, and a local prostitute.

When no real people were available for the abbe to interact with, he had simply to turn to his voluminous library to stoke his appetite for worldly, sensual delights. While the scholarly clergyman kept some of the most learned classics of the age among his collection, he also made room for literature with titles such as the Book of Postures, Venus in the Cloister, or the Nun in Her Nightdress, and even John the Fucker Debauched. Donatien was free to read at his leisure, and, in the absence of other playmates his age, he more often than not found recreational refuge within the pages of most of the texts kept in his uncle’s library, including those which, according to the French euphemism, “were meant to be read with one hand.”

While a more unseemly setting could scarcely be conceived for the upbringing of an impressionable young child, Abbe de Sade was hardly a renegade clergyman. Indeed, for centuries, throughout France and other European countries, the men and women of the cloth availed themselves to the pleasures of the flesh to no less extent, and probably more so, than the lay worshippers to whom they were responsible for providing moral guidance. It was not unheard of for orgies to be held within the walls of convents and abbeys, wherein priest, nuns, prostitutes and nobles commingled to partake of the most scandalous and debauched activities.

Increasingly concerned that his son’s upbringing was no less corrupted by his brother’s influence than that of his mother and sisters’, the Comte de Sade decided to once again uproot Donatien and transplant him into seemingly more appropriate environs for a boy of his age. At the age of ten he moved from Saumane to Paris, where he was enrolled at the College Louis-le-Grand, a Jesuit prep school for young men of noble lineage. While their reputation as educators was unsurpassed anywhere in Europe, the Jesuits were no less worldly than the Abbe de Sade. Sodomy and corporal punishment were equally noteworthy trademarks as scholarship and statesmanship at the College.

As practiced by the Jesuits, who held their whippings in front of the assembled student body and had a notoriously heavy hand, the experience was particularly humiliating. Moreover, floggings can be sexually arousing and often generate what came to be called sadomasochistic behavior. As an adult, Sade would seldom be satisfied by ‘normal’ sex, and in many ways his carnal preferences seemed arrested at an infantile anal level.

Another important hallmark of the Jesuit regimen was that of confessing one’s sins as a means to analyzing and ultimately eradicating one’s imperfections. To gain the full benefit of confession requires the confessor to reflect upon some of the more unpleasant and murky aspects of his character, and then bring these very private aspects of the self to the surface where they are to be painfully scrutinized by the peering eyes of another. It was this aspect that seemed to have the most profound impact on Sade in regard to his perception of human nature and the lengths he was willing to go in order to not only fully understand, but also fully live the shadow life hidden in the deepest recesses of the human heart. As an adult he once wrote,

The profound study of man’s heart- nature’s labyrinth- alone can inspire the novelist, whose work must make us see man not only as he is, or as he purports to be- which is the duty of the historian- but as he is capable of being when subjected to the modifying influences of vice and the full impact of passion. Therefore, we must know them all, we must employ every passion and vice, if we labor in this field.

After four unremarkable years at the College, his father transferred Donatien to a military academy. In 1755, at the age of 15, Sade entered the King’s light cavalry regiment as a sub lieutenant. He was soon called to action through the outbreak of the Seven Year’s War. He established himself as a fearless and decisive leader during the battle for the British fortress at Port Mahon. With hundreds of French casualties lying about the battlefield, Sade and a fellow comrade in arms led an assault that ultimately resulted in the French taking of Port Mahon. Not content to see Donatien succeed with the cavalry, Comte de Sade used his few remaining connections to have his son placed with the Carabiniers de Monsieur, which was commanded by a member of the royal family. He prevailed, and Donatien was made the standard bearer for an entire cavalry company with the Carabiniers.

The bravery he demonstrated in battle coupled with his good looks and budding social charm, made for a successful career as a soldier for the young Marquis. He received glowing reviews from his superiors, and was promoted to the rank of captain by the age of eighteen, and was stationed in Germany where he began to unleash his increasing sexual appetite. Yet, despite his success, he received stern rebukes from his father with increasing frequency. Upon hearing that Donatien had been gambling some of his wages, the Comte wrote a furious missive to the abbe, stating in part, “As if that scoundrel had a louis a day to lose! He promised me not to risk a cent. But you can’t trust him to keep his word.”

Such words had serious ramifications on the young Marquis, who dreaded the prospect of losing the love of the only parent he knew. The relationship he shared with his father took precedence over other friendships, as demonstrated by a letter he wrote was still a soldier: “Friends are like women: when put to the test, the goods often prove defective. I open my heart to you, not as to a father whom one often fears and does not love, but to the most honest of friends, the most tender friend I deem to have in the world.”

Copyright 1999, Dark Horse Multimedia Inc. All Rights Reserved.
http://www.crimelibrary.com/classics/marquis/

The Marquis de Sade: Sex, Sacrilege and Sublimity, Epilogue - The Literal Marquis: The Symbols and Psychology of his Written Imagery

The Marquis de Sade’s prison term would last for thirteen long years. He was moved to a variety of prisons during that time, his final destination being the infamous Bastille, from which the forces of the French Revolution in the late 1780s would finally free him. During his imprisonment, Sade’s physical appearance deteriorated severely, and he left his confinement as a corpulent, self-indulgent wretch, with no immediate means of supporting himself. However, Sade, like his father before him, was well practiced in the art of being a social chameleon. Accordingly, he managed to form relationships with those who saw fit to help support him until his death in December 1814. He also held elective office in one of the newly formed revolutionary districts of Paris. By these and other means, the Marquis managed to keep food on his plate and a roof over his head, scarcely the noble standards he had grown so accustomed to in his younger days.

Despite the myriad changes of circumstance, and despite his self-imposed physical limitations, the one unchanging component of Sade’s character was his libido, his sexual imagination. During his period of imprisonment he had secretly penned a number of pornographic texts that he published in the period after his release. His major works include The 120 Days of Sodom, Justine (or the Misfortunes of Virtue), and Philosophy in the Boudoir, among others. Anticipating an angry social backlash against their contents, Sade wisely published his works under a nomme de plume, and indeed, literary critics vilified his writings for generations to follow. Copies of his texts remained generally unavailable, and where they could be found they were usually kept under lock and key, for adults only.

However, this century has seen the emergence of scholars and critics who have been willing to passionately dissect and defend the value of Sade’s work, perhaps making the Marquis one of history’s only true criminals to be exonerated and celebrated on legitimate intellectual and philosophical grounds. In a 1951 essay, "Must We Burn Sade," Simone de Beauvoir identifies Sade as a forerunner of Freud with an intuitive grasp of the nature of the human heart:

"It is remarkable, for example, that in 1795 Sade wrote: ‘Sexual pleasure is, I agree, a passion to which all others are subordinate but in which they all unite.’ Not only does Sade, in the first part of this text, anticipate what has been called the ‘pansexuality’ of Freud, but also he makes eroticism the mainspring of human behavior. In addition, he asserts ... that sexuality is charged with a significance that goes beyond it. Libido is everywhere, and it is always far more than itself. Sade certainly anticipated this great truth. He knew that the ‘perversions’ that are vulgarly regarded as moral monstrosities or physiological defects actually envelop what would now be called an intentionality. He understood, too, that our tastes are motivated not by the intrinsic qualities of the object but by the latter’s relationship with the subject. In a passage in La Nouvelle Justine he tries to explain coprophilia. His reply is faltering, but clumsily using the notion of imagination, he points out that the truth of a thing lies not in what it is but in the meaning it has taken on for us in the course of our individual experience. Intuitions such as these allow us to hail Sade as a precursor of psychoanalysis."

It is precisely these perversions, Sade’s fascination with and understanding of the underbelly of the human psyche, that author Thomas Moore further dissects in his treatment of Sade’s works, Dark Eros: The Imagination of Sadism. While no apologist for Sade’s personal behavior, Moore defends the Marquis’ literature from a psychoanalytical point of view, making the point that, for just as there is inherent value to understanding and encouraging humanity’s nobler impulses, there is equal value to understanding, and perhaps on some level encouraging, the darker tendencies of the psyche:

"The foul atmosphere that surrounds him (Sade) is like the sulfuric stench of the devil. It would be a travesty of hell to smell roses when Satan appears. My purpose, then, in turning to Sade is to find a darkening of consciousness, to seek out a foul-smelling imagery appropriate for the amplification of those dreams and fantasies and art pieces that reveal an underworld aesthetic and a shadowy psychological reality."

Foul-smelling imagery abounds in the literary world of the Marquis de Sade. Moore has a treasure of perverted depictions of interactions between human beings, as well as between individuals and their own selves. Perverted is used here not to describe something that is perverse or wicked, but rather an opposite image, a deed that by its nature is diametrically in conflict with the norms and mores of polite society. For instance, Moore remarks on how Sade "perverts"’ society’s traditional image of Love. For most, Love is the one ideal emotion, or state of being. It is placed on a pedestal and revered as the universal aspiration for all humanity. And while there are many forms of Love, it has often been homogenized for commercial purposes; its image is aggrandized, and even trivialized in pop culture by songs, TV programs, and greeting cards. The net result is the creation of the myth of Love as sweet, Love as painless, Love as cheap and available on any TV set, in any record or Hallmark store.

In his works, Sade sets forth to turn this very notion on its head. To the Sadeian mind, Love is most often unavailable, is bitter, and is acquired only after painful struggle. The Sadeian notion of Love is something that cannot be acquired until one gains full knowledge of the self, and this in turn cannot be acquired until one is willing to come face-to-face with all of the horrifying images and realities we have stored within us. Sadeian Love is the pursuit of Eros, the Greek god of love, that for which our soul longs to join, that which provides the soul with inspiration and desire. While for most such inspirations include the desire to be financially secure, to succeed in a chosen professional field, to be a good parent and spouse, Moore postulates that there is validity to Sade’s point, that there are always to sides to every coin: “At first it may seem odd to claim that the sickening and frightening issues Sade presents have anything to do with desire, but that is the value of his approach- to unveil the stirrings of love in places that seem void of it.”

In all, Sade’s point is that, for all the splendor and bliss associated with Love, there is also pain, emptiness, and longing, the value of which is equal to that which society claims to be desirable of love in the first place. To Sade, these are worthless unless and until we are ready to accept and experience Love’s ugly sides too: “Although love can be creative, it is also destructive and entropic. If most literature focuses on the pleasures and pains of love, Sade turns our attention to its dark objects.” The darkest of these objects is fecal excrement, which Sade advocates that we consume with relish (no pun intended), writing, “No habit is more easily acquired than mard (excrement)-savoring; eat one, delicious, eat another, no two taste exactly alike, but all are subtle and the effect is somewhat that of an olive.”

The literal image Sade evokes is one more reprehensible than perhaps any other in the history of literature. However, it in the interpretation of Sade’s ludicrous proposition that Moore sees deeper meaning. Eating feces represents the figurative extreme, the furthest end of the spectrum of human behavior from that end which represents the height of ecstasy and self-fulfillment. In short, true freedom, the ability to be fully one’s self, cannot be experienced until one has the courage to both acknowledge and suffer that for which is the worst possible circumstance for that person, to travel to both ends of that spectrum and experience both equally. As Moore writes, “Love has its excremental component, and this, along with the more wholesome diet, has to be consumed.”

For Moore, what Sade’s work ultimately brings to light is the "shadow self" that exists within each individual. This part of the self is consigned to the shadows of our own being by forces and rules from without. Motivated by the fear that our true nature will be rejected by broader society, we force our very being to conform to expectations not of its making. Despite its pariah status, this side of the self strives to find an outlet for expression, to be granted legitimacy in a polite setting where this cannot be granted. That these impulses form our shadow, darker half becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: if the expectation is that these parts of our very selves are bad, that is how we ourselves will come to view them, and how they themselves will find expression.

Herman Hesse, the German author and contemporary of psychological pioneer Carl Jung, made this the theme of his celebrated novel Demian, wherein the young protagonist experiences the awakening of his own psyche and the requisite breach this causes with his familiar childhood world:

"The realms of day and night, two different worlds coming from two different opposite poles, mingled during this time. My parents’ house made up one realm, yet its boundaries were even narrower, actually embracing only my parents themselves ... It was a realm of brilliance, clarity, and cleanliness, gentle conversations, washed hands, clean clothes, and good manners. The other realm ... was completely different; it smelled different, spoke a different language, and promised and demanded different things. All these wild and cruel, attractive and hideous things surrounded us, could be found in the next alley, the next house. Policemen and tramps, drunkards who beat their wives, droves of young girls pouring out of the factories at night -- everywhere this second vigorous world erupted and gave off its scent, everywhere, that is, except in our parents’ rooms. For the time being I was not so much afraid of what would happen tomorrow as of the horrible certainty that my way, from now on, would lead farther and farther downhill into darkness. I felt acutely that new offenses were bound to grow out of this one offense, that my presence among my sisters, greeting and kissing my parents, were a lie, that I was living a lie concealed deep inside myself."

The struggle for the true self to find legitimate standing and expression in a hostile, judgmental world is echoed in works as diverse as George Orwell’s 1984, Billy Joel’s The Stranger and Jethro Tull’s Aqualung. Sade, Freud, Jung, Hesse, Moore, and others are of a school of thought that emphasizes the importance of granting our "other," darker half equal standing as a part of ourselves.

An important criticism of Sade is that he, in order to make his point, took this premise to the extreme. In doing so, he overemphasized one aspect of the self to the exclusion of providing a deeper understanding of the whole self. The human psyche is neither totally shadow nor totally enlightened, but rather exists within a plain wherein both halves intermingle to the extent that, for the undisciplined soul, it may grow increasingly difficult to determine where within this union the true self exists.

Sade as messenger casts a pall on the legitimate contributions his writings have otherwise helped to make in our collective search to know and understand the self, the psyche. In this sense, Sade leaves a legacy both brutal and sublime. He is an enigma for the ages: he was, on the one hand, a man of heightened self-importance and brutal sexual temperament; simultaneously, he was a man passionately dedicated to the defense of the individual, and possessed of a keen understanding of the complexities of the human psyche, the labyrinth of the human heart. The riddle of how to treat the memory of such a man shall resonate through the ages: if we cannot burn Sade, must we then celebrate him?

Copyright 1999, Dark Horse Multimedia Inc. All Rights Reserved.
http://www.crimelibrary.com/classics/marquis/

General Reading

At Home with the Marquis de Sade, Francine du Plessix Gray, Chatto and Windus, 1998.

The Marquis de Sade - A Life, Neil Schaeffer, Hamish Hamilton, 1999.

The Marquis de Sade, A Biography and Note of Hope, Robert del Quiaro, Messidor Books, 1994.

Performance in Online Cybersexual Addiction Indicators - My Behaviour at That Time

I have carried out the following indicator activities of cybersexual addiction, recalling the situation, over the period. I completed them as conservatively as was possible and, also, since I am single, some of them were inapplicable to me. Would this have made a difference, or not? Who can say?

The OSA-Q was developed to help people to identify if they might be having a problem with their online sexual behaviour. The OSA-Q is a 24-item questionnaire that was developed based on signs and symptoms of sexual addiction and how they might appear in relation to online sexual behaviour. It is important to note that the questionnaire is not a psychological test; it has not been researched and its psychometric properties are currently unknown (i.e., reliability and validity). At the present time the OSA-Q is only a self-exploration tool. Individuals who use the OSA-Q that think they have a problem with sexual addiction are referred to seek a state licensed psychotherapist who specializes in the treatment of sexual problems.

The reader may consult the website for the actual definitions of the 6 areas which are used as descriptors. This is my performance; the higher the percentage, the more dysfunctional the situation:

Life Interference - 75%
Social Withdrawal - 100%
Obsessive-Compulsive Behaviour - 60%
Tolerance / Withdrawal - 80%
Emotional Distress - 25%
Destructive Impairment - 71%

Online Sexual Addiction
http://onlinesexaddict.org/osaq.html

In the second case, the process is a little different, depending on similar areas, but giving a more global view:

If 1-3 of these symptoms are found to be true, this may be an area of concern and should be openly discussed with a friend or family member. More than 3 positive answers would indicate the need to consider more professional counseling with someone trained in the treatment of addictive disorders and consideration of a 12 step support program like those listed in resources for sexual addicts.

My score was 8, (possibly more, because of lack of partner).

Sexual Recovery Institute
http://www.sexualrecovery.com/sri_docs/cyber.htm